Wednesday, 23 May 2018

Heavy rain and two stranded girls

I personally prefer studying at the library during the day, but at night, i am more comfortable studying at home, except for few times. But that night, i decided to go for a change. Well, actually, with a little heavy heart, if not being motivated by a friend who wanted to have some study discussions that night

And that exact night, the night i choose to get out my comfort zone, the day i brought my lazy feet to that place, the rain choose to pour down abruptly, heavily just a little earlier before the library closing time.

So there we were. Two girls stranded at the hospital hall by the time the library has closed.

It was not just rain. It was more like, a thunderstorm, with lightnings. The road was flooded, and the electricity went off, so no road lights.
Not a wise decision to ride home with our scooters....

That time, I was questioning and complaining in my heart "why today? Whyyyy? Do i have to sleep here? Really no food to eat during sahur", It was really embarassing to admit.. How weak my iman was at that time. But that was what happened. While my friend remained quite cool and positive at that time.

All i could see was this is a test, test, test... Though many times Allah has said, that rain is a blessing from the sky to the earth...

20minutes went by.. (ya rabbi, it was only 20minutes but i was fretting like it was hours)
Suddenly(not really suddenly?) an auto arrived, bringing patients to the hospital. We decided to take those auto.

Though it was pitch black and the road was flooded, we arrived back home safe and sound. What touched my heart most was the kindness of the auto driver--- he charged us minimal amount of money. He can charge us as many as he wanted, we were two girls desperate to get home. He can give many excuses to take extra fees, like how many auto drivers had done to us--- extra night fee, extra weather fee, extra foreigner fee, from rs 50 can even go up to rs200, if not more! Worse case scenario---he can even not bring us home. It was pitch black out there. He can take as many advantages he can over us, but he didn't. Alhamdulillah. He just said, give however much you want, fast go home, thunder! And my friend just handed rs50.

The day i thought i was doomed (being overly dramatic), was actually the day i ended up coming back home smiling, touched by the sincerity of a stranger.

There are many things i learnt that day too, to be more grateful. When we were going down the library hall, the lift stopped at level two, the paediatrics hall. The floor was filled with family members sleeping. 😢 i was worried about having to sleep at the hospital hallway while others really had no choice.

Also, I think that,  me going there that exact night, was actually Allah's act of love to my friend. She might have to survive this alone, if i didn't go that day, since she would study there almost every night... That destined thunderstorm day, other friends went back home early due to exam day fatigue....

What I learnt was, to always have faith. Sometimes easier said than done at the moment, if we were not fully aware. Those tests are actually blessings in disguise. Those days that were out of ordinary routine, were usually those days we learnt some new things and our heart gets awakened.

Go through whatever destined for you with a big heart-- and you might be surprised with what you bring home.
Maybe if i was more patient at the first strike, i would gain more.

Anyway, alhamdulillah. For the good and bad days, that make me more human. A submitting human to You, a striving human to be better.

-21/5/18-
Simple things that i don't wanna forget
Cause i forget too many things
And life's too short

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Anak bulan

Me : Rasa x prepare lagi nak Ramadhan kali ni. Cepat sgt rasa. Kalau boleh nk hari Jumaat.

Y : weh, samalah. Tadi pun fikir camtu.
........ Tapi lepas tu tetibe rase jauh pulak kalau jumaat. Takut tak sempat.

😭😭😭

InshaaAllah, kitorang sambut Ramadhan di Davangere Khamis, 17 mei. Buat pertama kalinya sama dgn Malaysia. Buat pertama kalinya anak bulan muncul awal di langit davangere.

Jujurnya mmg tak prepare. Aku tahu hati aku macam mana spjg 11 bln sebelum ni. Apatah lagi amal.

Jadi petang tadi sebelum maghrib, aku keluar. Petang sebelum dicanang masuknya bulan Ramadhan.

Keluar menghadap tasik. Mahu menatap alam. Mahu sendirian. Mahu muhasabah.

What happened to you?
Who are you?
What do you want, really?

Bertanya pada diri sebelum aku menangis, aku rasa tak kenali diri aku sekarang.

Mahukan iman tapi leka.
Mahu redho Allah tapi tak sanggup berhadapan kesusahan untuk beramal dengan sebenarnya.

Tapi Allah, bukankah Ar-Rahim?
Dia hadirkan bulan ini, untuk kita buka buku baru..
Sudahlah.. Masa untuk mula. Start again. However messed up I am.

Saat aku mahu melangkah pergi dari tasik, terasa berat. Matahari dah mula mahu terbenam. Pemandangan jadi makin indah sampai rasa xnak lepaskan pandangan, taknak tinggalkan tempat ini. Cantik.

Jadi.. Bagaimana aku rasa aku boleh lepaskan peluang syurga macam tu je?

-irah-
One dramatic day for an introvert

Sunday, 22 April 2018

You are not forgotten

I am afraid that I would forget her
Her touch
Her smile
Her voice



It had been almost 3 and a half years. When i talked to close friends, of course there would be stories of you, sometimes things we do together, or how you made us feel loved, or sometimes just random funny things about you, just like how others tell people about their mom. You were my born best friend.

You are never alienated from my conversations even after your death---that you can ask my friends. (one day)

But recently I realised--now when I try to remember you, it takes more time than before. Your exact voice. The exact feeling I feel when we hold hands...  It is stored there in my memory.. But i am just scared... Scared, because I can feel it is fading.

I can flip through pictures and it still feel different than meeting in person. I can watch videos, (which was scarce, didn't really have decent cameraphones back then) and it still feel strange.
Is it normal, to forget the details about someone important to you, someone very close to you, just because she's no longer here by your side?

Yes, you are no longer here in this world
But I hope I would never forget my promises to you
That we would meet again, in a better place
A place where there is no more sorrow, no more separations.

For that, I, have to strive harder
To please Him, the owner of both worlds,
The Dunya and akhirah.
Despite my past ignorance,
Despite my recent rebellions,
I am only a servant.
I too, will return, to my Lord
And I do forget this too often..

It was your passing that reminded me of this. It's not that I want to cling to memories of you because i want to keep on grieving, no... I hope not. But I don't want to forget to pray for you. I don't want to forget what I learnt from you and pass the deeds forward.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
" After the death of a person, his (or her) actions stop, except three things that he leaves behind: First, continuous charity, Second, a knowledge from which some benefit may be obtained, Third, a virtuous son (or daughter) who make dua (pray, supplicate) on his behalf." Related by Muslim.

You are a gift from Ar-Rahman
And there's always a hikmah in everything. Even in losing you. When I lost you, I started finding my way back to Allah. I started to realise that even when I have dreams and plans of my future, the only guaranteed future for me is that I will face death. People would feel like it's taboo in linking future with death, but losing my mom changes that. I don't want to lose this one life to regrets. But I always forget.

I don't want to forget you, and your passing away, cause I would forget myself and how I found my way back.


P/s : one amazing thing about her- she bought kakak's wedding gift 9 months in advance just because she knew she wouldn't likely be around to witness that day. Till her last day, a loving mom.
To adek, she loved you lots too. She wasn't supposed to be there during yr secondary school graduation (kena jaga exam rasanya) - but she asked permission from her superiors at school to spare her that day, because she thought it is an important day for you.



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