2 months and a week

(written on my bad day 18/1/2021)

It had been 2 months and a week since i started housemanship. How's it going?

To be honest,there are good days and bad days. 

Days that i felt that i've gained some confidence and think that i'll be able to endure 2 years if it. 

But there are also days that i made silly mistakes and started getting anxious about not making any progress. Days that i have doubt about myself, whether this job is for me. Yesterday and today was these kinda days, hence i write to proccess my thoughts.

There are things that i am grateful about, like the supportive environment. Alhamdulillah in my current department, from all layers there are no toxic environment at all. I have no one to blame except for myself, if i feel unhappy. I admit i do have some kind of excitement whenever i entered the operating theatre. I looked forward to it. I looked forward to the CMEs classes. 

But is it worth it, with the kind of pressure i feel everyday, of being incompetent, of coming home with the pressure of so much more i need to learn. Of waking up with the fear of making mistakes. I wonder if it is worth it, this kind of insecurity i feel?

Or is there another place where i could feel comfortable in my own skin. Where i could use my talents better. Where i could grow with my own pace.

So here i am, writing. Just in case i need a back up career, my childhood dream was to become a writer. It may sound absurd right now, after all these years struggling to graduate medical school.

But who nows?

Right now i'll try not to give up yet. I'll try to make up for what i'm lacking. Logically speaking, in this covid times, i need a job more than the job needs me. Another pushing factor is that i actually aspire to become a psychiatrist. I should endure this for my long term goal.

But tomorrow, if it gets too hard. I hope i wouldn't think too much about what others will think. Because i am the one who are facing this.

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Additional edit on 23/1/2021

Alhamdulillah the days after the bad days were better. Alhamdulillah for the strength Allah gave me to face another day at work. I'm thankful that i take my time and not make any rash decision at the time.

Today I'll face the same thing as what i've faced on the bad day. I hope i'm able to do it better. I have to work harder. Pray for me.