Facing a patient's death and moving on

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

A 2-months-old child just succumbed to death today at dawn. He was brought in by his parents to our Emergency Department 2 days ago in already critically ill condition. We provided treatment, but his organs are already shutting down. Finally, today morning, after two separate episodes requiring CPR, he survived the initial one but did not make it through the second.

When I recall back, I just resuscitated in an automated way. Staff Nurse noted child pulseless, attended child, provide resuscitation with the team, then withdraws when specialist on call announces to stop. Checked for signs of life- nil. Fill up the death cert while awaiting forensics team to arrive. Doing everything without feeling emotions. Was I just numbed out because it had been somewhat just a task to do? Astarghfirullah hal Azim.

I took a time to reflect, maybe it's because the child had been critically ill with no signs of recovery, that my mind had expected it to go this way and my heart has accepted it. And that if he survived this round, it might just prolong his sufferings. If he even survived, he would have a poor quality of life, with poor perfusions to the brain throughout his illness. Maybe, maybe that's why I don't feel too sad.

Although from a healthcare staff point of view, this is the best for the child, we could not expect the family to be feeling the same, easily. As I washed up, continue other pending post-call tasks and finally getting ready to go home, the child's parents' life might be crumbling at the same time. However hopeless it might have been, they of course had prayed for the miracle that their child would survive, healthy. And the family would grieve deeply as we carry on with our tasks. However easy it is for us to think logically that it is better to let go, the family would take time to accept. And it is important for us, too, to empathise.

Of course, there are other instances when we as healthcare worker also took time to accept, when the child was previously healthy and suddenly passed away. When we felt like we should've done better, when we felt like there's still something we could do.

This is a brief glimpse of a clinical healthcare worker, facing cases with morbidity and mortality as we go. Trying, not to feel too much and yet not too little. To keep our heart awake and humane, yet to be able to carry on and move on.