Thoughts about marriage

"Is it hard?" I remembered asking kakak on her early days of married life.

She was ironing her husband's clothes, looking puzzled, as i explained further.

" I mean, previously we have to put commitment to take care of ourselves, now we have to take care of others. Previously we only need to take care of our own clothes, our own food. Wouldn't it feel like a burden?" I continued.

"Actually, on the contrary, I feel happy doing this. I feel happy that I'm doing this for someone I love," she said.

Then it started to make sense. I felt happy when I could iron my parents clothes, or cook for my little sister. Because they are the ones that I love, I naturally want to care for them and want to make them happy. I don't feel burdened by it.

These memories came back to me as i started weighing on starting the first step of building a family. At my age, it would be a lie if i tell that i had not started thinking about finding a spouse. However, there are a lot of fears that make me stop from even taking the first step.

Am I ready for the commitment?

Would we regret marrying each other if we see our own true colours? How do we know that he's the one for us?

I know that there's istikharah, but there's also part that we need to put effort in choosing the criteria of our partner.

However, i feel ashamed to put my criteria if I myself am lacking.

I shouldn't rush just because i felt lonely and needed companion. I need to be at least, half prepared for what's ahead.

So in the end, the most active step I could take right now in preparing for marriage is self-betterment. My ibadah, my akhlak, my values even when I'm alone and when I'm in the society really needs to be rechecked. (sigh)

This seems like a very little step, but it's a big step for me as previously, I was thinking of abandoning marriage due to fear. But because it is an ibadah, I trust Allah that there must be good in it-- when started on the right base.

Marriage is like perfecting half of our deen, so working on my own half of deen right now would be the first step.

Other than that, I am currently taking tips from others regarding preparation for marriage and considering on buying a book about marriage -- would really appreciate a good book recommendation.

Please pray for me that I could prepare myself to be a better future wife -- so that I'll be more confident in taking the next step.