You see me raw

Al-Hajj 22:11

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَعْبُدُ ٱللَّهَ عَلَىٰ حَرْفٍۖ فَإِنْ أَصَابَهُ‌و خَيْرٌ ٱطْمَأَنَّ بِهِۧۖ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ فِتْنَةٌ ٱنقَلَبَ عَلَىٰ وَجْهِهِۧ خَسِرَ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَٱلْءَاخِرَةَۚ ذَٰلِكَ هُوَ ٱلْخُسْرَانُ ٱلْمُبِينُ

And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck by trial, he turns on his face [to the other direction]. He has lost [this] world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss.

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This ayat is a heartshot reminder, of how much at edge I am in being His servant. When given nikmah, my gratitude only last a day or two. When tested with difficulties, my humility only lasted for the same.
Then I moved on like nothing has ever happened. Like I was never indebted, when He gave me strength, hope and happiness.

He gave me too many, too many to even be described. He gave me the opportunity to study the quran, He gave me loving & supportive family, He gave me wonderful bunch of (weird) friends, He gave me education opportunities, health, shelter! How much I took it for granted...

Oh Allah, others may see me covered in layers
But you see my heart raw
You know how empty I am nowadays
While trying to hold firm to faith and keep moving forward for others
You know my flaws and my distractions towards an-nafs
And time keep moving on... Fast!
Less than a month for Ramadhan, and I am in complete mess!

Oh Allah, help me when I forget
For I have no real saviour except for You..
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me..
Forgive me... Over and over again.
Let me hate those jahiliyahs
Let me hate it
Let me hate it now and forever
And never turning back

Need to work hard to get back to positive and productive 2018!