You are not forgotten

I am afraid that I would forget her
Her touch
Her smile
Her voice

It had been almost 3 and a half years. When i talked to close friends, of course there would be stories of you, sometimes things we do together, or how you made us feel loved, or sometimes just random funny things about you, just like how others tell people about their mom. You were my born best friend.

You are never alienated from my conversations even after your death---that you can ask my friends. (one day)

But recently I realised--now when I try to remember you, it takes more time than before. Your exact voice. The exact feeling I feel when we hold hands...  It is stored there in my memory.. But i am just scared... Scared, because I can feel it is fading.

I can flip through pictures and it still feel different than meeting in person. I can watch videos, (which was scarce, didn't really have decent cameraphones back then) and it still feel strange.

Is it normal, to forget the details about someone important to you, someone very close to you, just because she's no longer here by your side?

Yes, you are no longer here in this world
But I hope I would never forget my promises to you
That we would meet again, in a better place
A place where there is no more sorrow, no more separations.

For that, I, have to strive harder
To please Him, the owner of both worlds,
The Dunya and akhirah.
Despite my past ignorance,
Despite my recent rebellions,
I am only a servant.
I too, will return, to my Lord
And I do forget this too often..

It was your passing that reminded me of this. It's not that I want to cling to memories of you because i want to keep on grieving, no... I hope not. But I don't want to forget to pray for you. I don't want to forget what I learnt from you and pass the deeds forward.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
" After the death of a person, his (or her) actions stop, except three things that he leaves behind: First, continuous charity, Second, a knowledge from which some benefit may be obtained, Third, a virtuous son (or daughter) who make dua (pray, supplicate) on his behalf." Related by Muslim.

You are a gift from Ar-Rahman
And there's always a hikmah in everything. Even in losing you. When I lost you, I started finding my way back to Allah. I started to realise that even when I have dreams and plans of my future, the only guaranteed future for me is that I will face death. People would feel like it's taboo in linking future with death, but losing my mom changes that. I don't want to lose this one life to regrets. But I always forget.

I don't want to forget you, and your passing away, cause I would forget myself and how I found my way back.

P/s : one amazing thing about her- she bought kakak's wedding gift 9 months in advance just because she knew she wouldn't likely be around to witness that day. Till her last day, a loving mom.

To adek, she loved you lots too. She wasn't supposed to be there during yr secondary school graduation (kena jaga exam rasanya) - but she asked permission from her superiors at school to spare her that day, because she thought it is an important day for you.